Lots of 'D's' and too many 'buts'

25 Jul 2018

Crossword clue? No. Today's (19th July) blog was a message of hope, and moving on with the help of Moodscope after hitting rock-bottom. The letter 'D' seems to start a lot of negative words – and I am always using 'but' as a rider. Listening to a programme on Radio 4 today one of the 'panel' used as many 'buts' as I do, but she used a synonym 'however'. This means that you agree with the other speaker then refute everything they say. To my shame, I do it too much nowadays.

The last few months I have been becoming convinced that I was heading for a serious clinical depression. All the elements as described by many on Moodscope, and my own memory, were present. I did not want to get up in the morning – I had plans, but it mattered to nobody whether I carried them out or not. I DID get up, coffee would revive me. I'd embark on something, no enthusiasm or energy, and give up – deluded, disappointed, and disgusted with myself. I'd got dreadfully tired, battling with an overload, extreme heat and lots of worries.

The Tour de France today was in an area my husband and I know well. I went to the care home, took him to the TV in his wheel chair, and tried to interest him, slowly and carefully, in what was going on. He called me a 'b****y awful person', and, totally distraught, I fled.

His state is distressing in the extreme (he has dementia), and I try to carry on, with kindness, and making a life for myself. A son who has had lots of emotional problems was here last week-end – one treads very warily with him, his state is 'delicate' but he is hyper-critical of me, especially if I try to talk to him of the future. We actually had a super week-end, mainly, I think, because it was so socially busy we did not spend much time together. (He no longer does Moodscope, so I'm safe).

So, via shopping which I loathe, but my cupboards would make Mother Hubbard look like Fortnum and Mason, I endeavoured to be 'positive'.

It turned cool, so I mowed the weed heads on what used to be a lawn. I watered everything, and, although it's tough, August and September are to come, if I give up now no flowers for the 'busy' time in our town. Then the 'but' came in because I was planning on what to do when (and if) it rains. Therefore, I might fear depression, BUT I'm planning ahead, which one does not do when depressed, getting up and cleaning teeth major achievements.

Then, the picture is 'meaningful' as a message of hope – I intend to buy bulbs to fill all containers for next spring. Life's tough now, I hate winter, BUT, if I have plans for next spring I have to get through next winter, another 'D', decisions and determination.

The Gardener

A Moodscope member

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Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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