Here I am in retreat again. My reasoning is always the same. I'm not really that good at this. Someone else would do this far better than me. I'm a fraud. I'm taking up someone else's space. The rightful place of another.
The problem with this is of course that the upshot is that I leave myself with no place for me at all, anywhere – except under the duvet in a miserable lump of self-pity and self-loathing. Leading to yet more self-pity and self-loathing because I am allowing myself to be self-pitying and self-loathing. And so on. Any Moodscopers relate to this?
I wish I had a set of answers to suggest for such times. A kind of recipe for self-loving. A love potion for oneself. I'm working on one (mine definitely involves dark chocolate), though I imagine each person's love potion will be different – as unique and beautiful (and flawed and faltering) as themselves. This is why, though they may give us pointers, and the idea for an ingredient or two, I have come to the conclusion that no pathway to self-love composed by another person will be exactly right for us. We have to find our own. Which is hard. At least for me.
It's taken me a while to work out that when I don't love myself, not one, but two bullies come into play – Contempt and Fear. Together they feel insuperable. Taken together I am ground down by contempt into fearfulness – and the fearfulness makes me feel contemptible. Taken apart though, like most bullies, they feel a bit easier to confront. I refuse to be governed by fear, and I refuse to accept contempt. It's still hard facing up to them, and right now I have a counsellor helping me fight my corner – but at least I've pulled apart some of the black shadow. And in pulling apart that shadow I'm finding a part of me that (shock, horror!) quite likes myself. Even the part of me that sobs under the duvet. May be even especially that part of me. I'm not amazing, but I'm alright.
Dear Moodscopers, what are the ingredients for your love potion for yourself?
A Moodscope member
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