Back on 30th April I wrote a blog entitled ‘Maybe it’s in my makeup’ and I thought I would explore that a bit more.
I find that I feel envious when I walk past people who are deep in conversation on their mobile - it makes me think that they are obviously connected to someone (though it could just be the plumber.) I look through cafe windows or see outside tables with people sitting together, chatting and I wish that I had somebody to have coffee with.
The honest truth is, I do! I meet up with a friend most weeks and we walk our dogs together, then go for a coffee while we’re out. But, we don’t call or text between times, except to arrange time and place for the next walk.
There are friends I could call, but I don’t make time and no one calls me - which is also untrue, but it is quite rare that my phone rings. My OH seems to have loads of emails, texts, social dates, which I don’t begrudge him, but it does make me feel lonely.
We’re coming up 2 years in our new house and, though we know quite a few people in the village, we haven’t really socialised. There always seems to be an excuse for me to avoid inviting people round.
There’s a group that meets in the local cafe on a Monday afternoon and I can go and join them. It is pleasant enough, but I’m not ‘friends’ with any of them and would be unlikely to socialise outside that setting.
I hesitate to phone people in case I disturb them, so I just don’t feel I have anyone to chat to. Then again, if I tried I don’t think I’d know what to say. I spend my time doing all the little chores or on my tablet, to avoid thinking or making the decision to call someone - cos no one calls me, so I figure they don’t want to talk to me, or I’m too stand offish.
I volunteer once a week at our local Food Bank, but I’m inclined to just walk in, do what I am there for and leave as soon as I can. I don’t really chat to anyone, unless they engage with me. They are all very kind, but seem so ok in their own skin - though I’m sure they all have their own worries etc.
I’ve run out of steam again. Do let me know, are you the ‘chatty’ type or quite reserved.
Writing the above has left me feeling quite sad. I hand wrote this last night and woke up this morning in tears. Perhaps I’m getting somewhere with working out how I feel.
A Moodscope member.
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