What may you ask is this? Well, it's an amalgamation of words that I have made up myself. A cross between a crisis and a chrysalis. You see, I have been struggling very much with my body dysmorphia of late... which makes trying on clothes near impossible because nothing looks right or shows off areas of my body I don't want to show off, especially in summer.
Swimming in public is almost impossible so a potential foreign holiday will be laughably fraught for me unless I get my act together. Combined with the dreaded middle age and the menopause, my confidence in my looks has rendered me feeling bingo-winged, flappy armed, saggy jowled, puffy-kneed, muffin-topped, wobbly-bitted and thread-veiny... attractive descriptions aren't they? I appear to have morphed into a some overweight, sluggish and unsexy version of myself that I don't like.
So I fast forward to the future... thinking about my chrysalis where the ungainly caterpillar becomes the beautiful butterfly. I'll probably have more tattoos, guns where once were wings, and smooth, sexy lines where the dreated fatty pads used to be.
Perhaps I'll be more bad-tempered though... by restraining my naughty treat and alcohol intake... will I be more enticing to myself and therefore happier in my own skin? I doubt people will see me differently though... so why should it matter so much? I guess because when I was a teenager, I really did feel like an ugly duckling and it took me so long to find my own path and I'm still comparing myself unfavourably all the time with others.
Of course very few people will know this... they see the long blonde hair that I have always coveted (because my mum would get my hair cut short for our holidays in Spain "so it was easy to manage"), the perfectly applied make-up, the clothes carefully chosen to flatter my figure, an unusual dress sense which at times borders on idiosyncratic although middle age has rendered some of my previous uniqueness a little redundant.
I was one called "the Carrie Bradshaw of the office" by an ex colleague... a wonderful comment that made me smile from the inside out. I wish I could have that girl back and her laissez-faire fashion sense... I just seem to wear trousers all the time as it's handy for walking the dogs and cover my legs, as both calves are marked with thread veins, mapping out my self-consciousness for all to see.
So, this time next year, will I be pumped up with Madonna arms, a tightly toned tummy and a renewed sense of confidence? Will it indeed be that chrysalis that I think I yearn for... which is probably a bit of a ruse and a distraction from the obvious signs of aging.
I have bought my first set of leggings with elasticated waist from Avon... yes really... and they are flattering. I suppose there's nothing else to say other than those four little familiar words... pass the gun now.
A Moodscope member