By the time you read this, I will be in Edinburgh, watching my daughter graduate, and I am so proud.

She’s really made the most of university: she’s learned to scuba dive, she’s taken up target rifle shooting, she joined the debating society and was brave enough to embark on wild swimming – in Scotland – in December! Most of all, she’s worked hard and has emerged with a good degree. Of course I’m proud: what mother wouldn’t be?

Yet this pride is misplaced, because I had nothing to do with it. It is her own hard work and full-hearted enthusiasm for university life that has resulted in the wonderful time she has had over the past four years.

And, of course, I’m just as proud of my younger daughter who did well in her A levels, has made good use of her gap year and is starting university this September. She is equally hard working and equally independent. She is not a joiner, like her older sister, but I’m sure she will enjoy university life just as much and work just as hard. And, equally, my pride is misplaced.

So, too is our shame if our children make bad choices. As parents, we always do the best we can and always feel our best is never good enough. If our children end up in places we would not have chosen for them, we feel to blame. I feel I wasn’t a good enough mother when the children were younger. I’ve spent a lot of time ill, and the family has had to look after me, rather than me looking after them. I hope this has taught them understanding of mental health issues and compassion for those who live with them, but it remains that I wasn’t there for them when they needed me. Fortunately, they had an excellent father who always was there. I will still feel to blame, however, if they go on to develop mental health or addiction issues of their own. I tell myself that this blame too, will be misplaced.

Children are a great gift, and I acknowledge the sorrow that occurs when people are childless and not by choice. I have two friends for whom this emptiness lives on even into late middle age. Their friends are now talking about not only their own children but of their grandchildren too, and they feel excluded from those conversations. The talk is all about degrees, new jobs, and the latest cute sayings the grandchildren have come out with. Grandchildren are a source of great pride, to their grandparents at least.

They say the most valuable things you can give your children are roots and wings. I hope I have provided both for my daughters. I hope I have enough humility to be pleased for their achievements but not hijack them for my own.

Mary

A Moodscope member