19 Jun 2024

I have seen myself morphing... into someone I don't recognise. I wonder if she has been dormant inside of me all along, waiting for her moment to blossom. I'm not sure what I think of her. Perhaps I haven't had time to acclimatise to her appearance and quirks. 

What I am asking myself is... is this the real me or is this “old” me? She really doesn't like being surrounded by too many people. She craves silence and noise bothers her more. Her behaviour suggests more neurodivergent traits than she thought possible. She wants to be sociable, like she used to be, but she is happy in front of the TV more than the exhausting possibility of having to be “up” and entertaining. 

She is full of contradictions. She has started to stand up in the pub and sing (she's better with a little bit of “blast” behind her... in the form of other supportive musicians and a couple of drinks inside her). Yet her favourite place is in bed, because it's safe and she loves to burrow, like a dormouse and just like her dog, the more layers on her the better. 

She always used to love make-up, the more of it the better. Now, with sparse eyebrows (thank you fashionable overplucked 80s brows) and now shy eyelashes, putting the stuff on is a pain and unless she is “facing her public” she can't be bothered. She used to be a people pleaser, and would not ever want to upset anyone or say no, now her radar is much better about her tribe. 

I do wonder... this new person - is it just me realising that I have an unknown, yet smaller amount of years to live/make an impact/achieve all of my goals, or is it that I have just grown up? And the new passion, which has been burning in me and the flame has been ignited by the purchase of a new home in which we have inherited a beautiful mature garden, is gardening and I am obsessed! 

Are you morphing or have morphed into someone you like better or are you struggling with aspects of it, like me, in an attempt to understand yourself? I do think everyone lives a few lives in one and has many eras to go through and yet some people are set in their ways and even old “before their time”. I know I have had many personas throughout the years and some embarrass me dreadfully but at times, so does this one. 

Where is the pretty young girl (was at my best at 29) – the girl that used to turn heads. I refuse to get botox and fillers but I still dye my hair as I can't bear to get rid of my long blonde locks. I'd say I've been vain all my life but that's not true, that sounds critical. I've struggled with aspects of my character and the way I look all my life. This new me is no real exception except that I have lost a lot of my anger along the way at life. I still get mad at stuff but it doesn't turn in on me as much as it used to and I also want a relatively easy life, having had difficult times in the past which left me at times thinking I would never reach this age. 

A thought provoker this one and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Hugs as always from the Highlands.


A Moodscope member

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