I hate to brag but the longest I have ever lived in the same place was 3.25 years. I always love the new address until I get to know some  local unsavoury characters or have some bad experiences that thanks to PTSD, I cannot just shake off.

In a small town they cannot seem to let the past go either, so it is a double whammy. I left the town I was married in because I was not going to be someone's ‘used to be’. That, and once I had stood up to a powerful organization I could not get a job and I was still raising my daughters and was not yet labeled disabled, so it was social assistance or work.

I run when things get uncomfortable. "You disappear when stuff gets weird," someone told me. The acronyms for fear is:F!@# Everything And Run, or: Face Everything And Recover. I don't consider myself a fearful person though... I have anxiety not fear. 

Anxiety is the what ifs I torment myself with. Fear is: "I cannot do this I’m out of here," which I don't have. I can worry about the possibility of a grizzly bear showing up, growing in anxiousness. But when he does show up, I am like; “Now look here, here is how it is going to be..." so I don't think I run out of fear, just discomfort. 

The last small town experience was similar to high school, only the leader of the "in," crowd was an unattractive female troll, not a beauty in the least. She seemed to control the town and people seemed to think the sun shone out of her and I disagreed. And would neither join nor comply with her "regime." All of this could have been avoided by simply not trying to join any group to begin with. I don't fit in and as Dr.Suess says : “If you don't fit in it’s because you were made to stand out." 

I ran to the capital city of my province and liked living by a thrift store and the vast multiculturalism, overcame my previous anxieties of driving in a metropolitan area and dealing with crowds. I learned to trust my gut instincts on people or suffer the consequences... most of my life has been in survival mode so this skill was new to me. I volunteered for 4 months at a portable soup kitchen and met face to face with street people; prostitutes and gang members. Strangers hugged me and I hugged them, we are all part of humanity. In that way we all belong.

I live in the Bronx and am weary of seeing the news in real life; up and down my street. All the time. I gave notice on my apartment and am moving to a detached house in a little Hamlet near the Alberta/U.S. border. I shall sleep and eat there but nothing more... and work and visit a few first cousins in a nearby town. Apparently it is all about boundaries... people tell me. All I know is I need off of this crazy wheel of moving and moving. 

Bailey

A Moodscope member