'My dream man'

Friday December 14, 2018

I'm so fortunate, I have my dream man.

His kindness to strangers, his love of animals, his appreciation of nature, his honesty. All of our little 'things' we have together; like the quotes and characters from films and songs that stick with you and become 'yours' or that we'll look out for foxes on our drive home or leave food out for hedgehogs. We collect books and succulent plants, we watch the same adventurers on youtube, we visit national trust properties, we imagine one day holidaying in far away lands, we read, we explore, we discover.

Then there are the things that he has worked through that only I know about, the secret struggles, as well as the more obvious features like his looks and his sense of humour - all are things I love about him and never thought I would find in one person.

But my dream man has another thing too.

My dream man has depression.

Even as I write I find myself checking - has depression, suffers from depression, is depressed, which is correct and which is kind to say?

You see I love my dream man with all my heart and wish to spend my life with him, so I work hard to learn about depression, to become aware of his sensitivities, to modify my interactions so rather than trigger him I can be the safe place for him to rest at the end of the day.

But sometimes my dream man can't see past the end of the day. Sometimes he can't even see the next few hours. Sometimes my dream man doesn't give an f what I need or deserve. Sometimes everything is putting pressure on and complaining at my dream man and he just wants it to stop. Sometimes my dream man can't shave, or find his suit jacket. Sometimes my dream man feels that therapy was useless and the pills aren't working. Sometimes my dream man feels life is pointless. Sometimes my dream man cannot cope with what I have been through, he is ashamed of me, I am tainted; this for me as a survivor of sexual violence is very painful, yet strengthening, to withstand and affirm against.

Now I know that this is not actually my dream man talking, or doing, or not talking or not doing. It's the depression.

I just wish it would let him go, and give me back my dream man.

A Moodscope member.

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