It’s annoying, the way my family seems to know better than I do where I am in my bipolar cycle. It’s not quite so annoying when my psychiatrist knows.

My Moodscope scores have been a bit low recently, but I had put this down to the Great Grey Beast of February. The constant rain is enough to get anyone down.

When, however, I announced I had an appointment with the psychiatrist last week, I was bombarded with instructions. I must remember to tell him I hadn’t wanted to go swimming for the past few weeks. I must tell him I was withdrawn again and unresponsive in conversation. I must tell him I always look sad or worried. I must tell him I’m always tired and sleeping a lot.

Of course, I didn’t have to tell him any of these things: he took one look at me and knew I was down.

Nevertheless, he was exceptionally thorough, as he always is. He makes me think very carefully about all my symptoms – even the ones I never think about myself. 

The thing is that this new medication makes it all much easier. I don’t have hallucinations; I feel competent to drive; I don’t stutter; I can walk normally; I’m not lying, shivering, on the sofa under a blanket! In short, I can carry on a normal life. It’s just a bit grey and tasteless and I feel a bit isolated – but not to the extent of being trapped on another planet, or in a high tower surrounded by fog, which is the way I have felt in the past.

Still, he thinks this is not an ideal way to be and wants to try an additional drug. I am reluctant, as I don’t want to take so many pills that I rattle when I walk. Fortunately, he too is not in favour of long-term polypharmacy, as he puts it.

So, we’ve agreed to leave things as they are at present and hope I will come out of this phase very soon. If not, then I have agreed to try the new drug.

I’m aware I am extremely lucky with my psychiatrist, who is excellent and seems to really care, as does my GP. I wonder about the experience others have with medical professionals. Have any of you been referred to a specialist? Is your GP well-informed and helpful? Do they really care about you? Do they involve you in your treatment? Do you feel they do know best, or are you still the best person to know what is right for you?

In the meantime, I can’t wait to see the end of February and wish very much for some March sunshine. Surely it must stop raining soon.

Mary

A Moodscope member