Over the months (years) I have been slowly picking through learned behaviour. Behaviours of mine which have been ingrained from the early years up. It can be unpleasant at times and it can be easy at others. Sometimes it’s been like emptying an overfull bin!
Today I watched my mum, yet again, take centre stage and dominate conversation by being deprecating and self-deprecating. Not a funny piece, a little uncomfortable. It was minor compared to some other times and they are never intended to be malicious. And yet they can be. She covers her own discomfort this way, and it is something she probably learned as a coping method in her childhood.
I have some learned behaviours. And I have been peeling them away. I realised, it was not ME. Was this part of the reason I struggled so badly with my mental balance, and for so long?
Nowadays, I am overly protective of myself. I keep away from situations and people because I find it draining and because I learned that sharing my inner self, often was not a good thing. One day I will be ready to re-join, but on my own terms and once I am fully secure.
Meantime, I am sad my mum cannot find an awareness of self. And I am comfortable to now hold space between us to keep myself balanced.
In your own progress, I hope you have time and space to look and see whether your behaviours and choices are truly you, or if you have learned something which may not now be serving you.
The room above the garage