Today I noticed something new in me.

I was with the community at the stables where my mare lives. She has had an operation and has to live in a stable for 3 weeks. I take her out to graze morning and evening. I do not know what made me feel sad – maybe it was a certain abruptness of others asking me not to bring her out while they brought the stallion in – or maybe it is that when I took her out her behaviour was so wild that I had to bring her back in. (Her wild behaviour was the reason for the operation as she had ovaries with a tumour which causes extra testosterone and stallion like behaviour in a mare.)

Anyway I grew sad and quiet and did nothing about it but felt it.

Everyone was there and invited me for a cup of tea – which I accepted saying "I am in a grumpy mood". My presence added little – I was quiet – however I appreciated the conversation and the laughter and was able to laugh myself at the funny stories told so well. I felt others' kindness here an there asking gently if I was ok but not probing.

I did not ask for anything – I did not pull on anyone for commiseration or pity. I did not try to fake happiness nor feel uncomfortable that I contributed little. I was present to what was going on. I felt close to everyone and enjoyed their company.

Later I went to the shops and bought a few things and I was myself and I made an effort to engage with everyone I met - except for the Big Issue seller who I walked around the other side of the potted plant stand to avoid! I made a decision not to feel ashamed of myself about this.

I realised that I was not indulging in self-pity nor in shame – or at least only to a very minor extent. I was not asking "why do I feel like this?", not saying "I am wrong to feel like this". At the shop where I bought some organic salmon, I spent time with the assistant choosing a piece which was cheaper and I had no shame about that either.

Progress rather than perfection. I am happy with my progress. I wonder if you relate to this and what your relationship is with your own self-talk?

Melanie

A Moodscope member.