No self-pity and no shame.

31 May 2017

Today I noticed something new in me.

I was with the community at the stables where my mare lives. She has had an operation and has to live in a stable for 3 weeks. I take her out to graze morning and evening. I do not know what made me feel sad – maybe it was a certain abruptness of others asking me not to bring her out while they brought the stallion in – or maybe it is that when I took her out her behaviour was so wild that I had to bring her back in. (Her wild behaviour was the reason for the operation as she had ovaries with a tumour which causes extra testosterone and stallion like behaviour in a mare.)

Anyway I grew sad and quiet and did nothing about it but felt it.

Everyone was there and invited me for a cup of tea – which I accepted saying "I am in a grumpy mood". My presence added little – I was quiet – however I appreciated the conversation and the laughter and was able to laugh myself at the funny stories told so well. I felt others' kindness here an there asking gently if I was ok but not probing.

I did not ask for anything – I did not pull on anyone for commiseration or pity. I did not try to fake happiness nor feel uncomfortable that I contributed little. I was present to what was going on. I felt close to everyone and enjoyed their company.

Later I went to the shops and bought a few things and I was myself and I made an effort to engage with everyone I met - except for the Big Issue seller who I walked around the other side of the potted plant stand to avoid! I made a decision not to feel ashamed of myself about this.

I realised that I was not indulging in self-pity nor in shame – or at least only to a very minor extent. I was not asking "why do I feel like this?", not saying "I am wrong to feel like this". At the shop where I bought some organic salmon, I spent time with the assistant choosing a piece which was cheaper and I had no shame about that either.

Progress rather than perfection. I am happy with my progress. I wonder if you relate to this and what your relationship is with your own self-talk?


A Moodscope member.

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Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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