Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys.

29 Sep 2015

My friends are getting a divorce.

Well, not literally. They are two Facebook friends. So far as I know they have never met. But oh, the venom, the bitterness, the hatred...

And dammit, I'm in the middle; in spite of never having met either of them myself!

Look, I got dragged in, okay? A writer I know (Jocasta), invited me to join a group promoting a certain cover model, a muscled young man we'll call Zack.

Over time, that group became close. Probably too close. We shared too much. We supported each other. But the focus was this particular model. When personal affairs meant Zack walked away for a while, there was a lot of grief and anger in the group.

Well, I'm guessing that all of us have at some time felt the need to walk away, to lock ourselves in that dark room, to cease involvement. It doesn't mean we don't love our friends anymore. It just means we need to hide under our stone for a while. I wasn't going to unfriend Zack just because he wasn't playing with us every day like he used to. I emailed him every so often just to say "Hi." Occasionally he'd even answer: "I'm fine. Just dealing with things. Thanks keeping in touch."

Meanwhile, I supported Jocasta through her problems with administrative support and legal wrangles with her publisher.

Then Zack came back. His modelling career took off. Without Jocasta's help. And that's when the smelly stuff really hit the fan.

Oh it's hard when two people you care for (because as humans we're programmed to care) behave badly. When they throw written punches at each other that make you wince (remember the ammunition we'd given each other in the group!). When they accuse you of "enabling" the other simply because you will not commit to them and unfriend the other.

My husband and children think I should walk away from them both. They have a valid point. But, I have tenacity in my DNA: once you're on my "friend" list, you have to fight hard to get off it. I have been known to come and find you twenty and even thirty years later!

So it's taking valuable emotional resources from me. I hate it. Maybe I should walk away. I'm not going to. I do care for them both. Even when I want to bang their heads together.

One day they'll both reach calmer waters. They will have moved on. Maybe have even forgiven the other for whatever sins that other has committed against them.

And I will still be friends with them both.

That has to be worth it – surely.


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