I have had a blip over this weekend and been so irritable and emotional the last few days. We have had issues in the new house – a concrete pipe that was not sealed off which tree roots had got into. The problem with the boiler was fixed a while ago but that was the first thing. Then we got new doors instead of the broken and the bodged ones. We have had the garage and shed wood sat on the garage base unable to do anything because of rotten weather. The one or two good days, our friend who is helping us cannot help and trying to get tradesmen to commit is hard and it is expensive. My stepdaughter and also her best friend come and stay with us as a surprise in less than a week and we have a new lawnmower in the already cramped dining room. They may have to share a bed. The house is not really ready for visitors but we miss her very much and would never say no to her. 

I clocked up 10 years today in my self employment but work has been so quiet and I am having second thoughts about continuing, but the slow down in work means I am not surrounded by sadness, even though it is of my choosing as a profession. One client I home help for is terminally ill and she played me one of her funeral songs which she hadn't shared with her family and I had a cry in the kitchen. 

Another friend has been financially scammed and had three speeding fines in quick succession and has taken me in her confidence. She is broken, paranoid (as you would be) and I'm worried about her. Another good friend is wheelchair bound after a stroke but is waiting tentatively for news on a test. I don't know whether it is the backdrop of this but I feel so sad and helpless, not only for them, but for what is going on in the world, and guilty that I feel like I have temporarily fallen apart in my head. 

I've been strong for quite a long time, supporting my husband through his own blip and getting shingles after a very stressful move. All the aspirations and personal goals I have just seem to be melting away. I write lists of what I want to do but there is very little I have done so far, except approach someone for singing lessons. I felt sidelined recently for something and it made me feel like I was back at school, not being picked for the netball team. Funny how those stupid things stay with you. 

I have rubbish self esteem at times but I honestly feel that apart from my husband, who tries to understand, I don't want to moan and bring other friends down who are going through tougher things, but if it wasn't for Moodscope, I don't know who I could be this honest with any more. Or am I just over-reacting to just general stuff and the state of the world. I was due to go out tonight but I stayed in and I feel pleased that I was able to recognise that, rather than push through and mask. I mask quite a bit of the time and it's so exhausting. My work always highlights that life is precious but I worry that I will not have enough time to do everything I want to do and overthinking is tiring me.

Liz

A Moodscope member