Context: in 2014 we had just been left in the lurch by someone who was now demanding money we did not have. And the responsibility of owing money; a situation we had never been in before, was devastating. Plus our new home was huge; small bungalow but 10 acres of wet Welsh hillside attached made it special. Too big for two elderly women to take on… especially as one is disabled. So I PANICKED.

There was a time, I’m sure, a time before this… when life happened to me and it was looked at with vaguely raised eyebrows; but not with the all-consuming, heart pounding terror and panic which I feel today. In that time, some mythical or at least, long-forgotten time, I took the unexpected with a pinch of salt; sometimes even with a happy smile. I like to think I did, anyway. It helps console me after another (yet another) event which has left me feeling even more washed out and chewed up and out of control than ever. There was a time when, out of control, I was able to dig heels in; slap hands onto walls rushing past at speed and simply stop and regain my control. That time is sadly long gone.

Now; Jane is my Rock, my Foundation and my Support.

Jane it is who, with infinite care and patience, untangles the long strands of my non-understanding; my panic. She it is who gently takes each red, raw, stinging, flailing strand; soothes it, calms it, rolls it up into a tidy ball and puts it away. Leaving me spent, exhausted, tearful and, over all of it she smiles and suggests, as healers of all wounds, worries and wrecked souls always do; a cup of tea. A cup of tea; and maybe a biscuit, restores balance to my non-balance, restores calm to my un-calm. Restores me. With Jane at my side, I know panic will receive short shrift and my life can continue on this path for another hour; mayhap even for another day.’

***************

2024: And now Jane is dead. And I am alone. Without her guiding hand and her gentle words; how can I live? And I realise I am not alone. I have my dog, Celyn. She has to be cared for, walked, fed, washed down, dried, played with, loved and cuddled. She it is who is giving my shapeless life shape once more. And so I continue. I have her to care for; I have hens to care for… I have the garden and I have me. I have to care for me. Jane cared for me; I can’t let her down by allowing myself to sink without trace.

So I get up. I shower and dress. And the day begins anew. And it is hard. And it is literally one breath and one step at a time. And I miss her every moment of every second of every minute of every hour of every day. And I can accept that.

CMM

A Moodscope member