Most mornings I catch the slot where air time is handed to the listeners and at the end of the three songs the presenter announces that so and so has texted in to say what marvellous choices they have been or how the theme has touched them, the vibe has boosted their mood or that it could have been the song track to their life.  Then the request goes out to encourage others to have their turn – send yours in and they could be played tomorrow.  I toy with the possibility and then don’t do anything about it.

I’ve been with Moodscope from the beginning when I read about Jon Cousins and his deck of cards.  Back then the weighing and turning was part of my early morning routine at a time when I had no plan other than to survive until the next day.  I was in turmoil following a suicide attempt and hospitalisation. Every spoon of energy was spent on groping my way through a slow and very heavily medicated pathway back to my life – a life I’d decided I was done with.  I was looked upon differently (has a mental health condition and wanted to leave us).  Until recently I saw those long years of discovery – I never use the word recovery - as wasted, but now I embrace them knowing all those experiences are relevant.  I’m finally realising that I can be me.

I’ve had periods of shuffling and logging, times of reflection where I’d look back on my scores and acknowledge that I’d been here before and that everything changes and I’m really no exception to that rule.  It’s been a long stretch since I used the cards but I always read my Moodscope email and marvel at the members who put themselves out there.  I’ve thought about writing a blog so many times and that is the thing, planning to do something is very different from an action.  We kid ourselves that it’s because we’re thinking and ironing out the topic or honing the idea.  Then so much procrastination allows it to magically fall away and we’re tucked away safely again in our comfort zone, far from the possibility of putting ourselves out there (until the next time). Phew, breathe a sigh of relief.  Is that a familiar feeling to any one out there?

Yet here I am at the keyboard and this is it.  What has made the difference this time?  I don’t know and I’m trying not to question it.  I’m here and doing.  It may be sparse and not very profound but it’s my first attempt and I’m grateful for the chance to speak to my fellow Moodscopers and to thank each and every one of you for being part of my day, every day.  Now let’s get on to that playlist!

The hidden writer

A Moodscope member.