I’ve been pondering about writing a blog for Moodscope for years, some might call it procrastination, but it’s not. The readiness to come out of hiding has taken time, gathering enough belief I’ve got something that might be worth saying and a nervous system stable enough not be consumed with self criticism or even low level shame, if you can grade shame. I’ve expressed myself and then retreated in horror at the directness of my voice or often felt I’m not enough for the job at hand.

To most of the world I’ve done pretty ok in life, and by most outer measurements I have. I’ve been successfully self employed for over 30 years and attained markers of achievement. My work is in the area of people development, I’ve trained as a counsellor, body work therapist, archetypal psychology, spiritual psychology, business coach, yoga teacher, polyvagal and embodiment coach etc. I have many tools in my tool kit.

Yet the journey to align the inner and outer worlds ‘enough’ has taken 60 years of incubation. And the critical voice that berated me ‘with all that knowledge and practice yet you still took so long to get here’.

Well I’m here on this page with you all. In my brilliance and with my messiness.

It’s interesting to note what catalyses change in us, what helps us step beyond those well rehearsed parameters. I literally, rather unconsciously have thrown myself in at the deep end, out of my comfort zone and towards my fears. First applying to do a PhD. The gift of feedback to my application ‘you pop out and then back in again’. I felt thoroughly seen and cried with joy. And then I started outdoor swimming meeting my fear of deep dark murky water. What a revelation I have never felt so supported all my life. I’m not suggesting that this is the right or best approach for all. What is important is to tend deeply to our readying, to gather those parts of ourselves we exclude or sideline with compassion and love and come home to ourselves however we do this and however long it takes.  

‘We’re all just walking each other home’ Ram Dass

Warm wishes

Rachel

A Moodscope member