I've been wondering lately that when you have poor mental health, are romances and friendships affected by that, or are they sometimes the cause. I do think it's a bit of both. Certainly some of my working life and jobs have contributed to my poor mental health as well as financial pressures but it's really hard to look for love when you have depression, anxiety or other issues. 

I know that in the early stages of my relationship with my husband, it was stressful, partly due to the situations at the time and also my mental health (and probably his too). He is definitely on the spectrum and I am sure would have been diagnosed with Asperger's – communication has been an issue for us. But pre my husband, I had several boyfriends (short and longer term). 

One was in the Army and I had met him literally weeks after my mum had died (he was 10 years older than me, divorced with two young boys and by all accounts a psychotic ex-wife). But I was mad about him. Not long after we got together, he was getting up to go and I started crying and said “please don't leave me”... I don't really know what I meant, but I was newly bereaved and he had been told by my friend about what happened when we first met and she said I was vulnerable. (When it's your first death and it's your mum and you knew she really didn't want to be around and was battling alcoholism it's hard – her liver had given up). I was told later on that he wasn't sure he could handle that (my neediness?) and perhaps I shouldn't have been told that either. I also recall at the time thinking that my girlfriends at the time really weren't all that. Sometimes the disappointment that your female friends were not really there for you hit harder more than a failed romance. 

The boyfriend went abroad not long after and then I was listening to the radio which had said that some soldiers had died where he was stationed and I just sat on the edge of the bath, shaking from head to foot. They wouldn't tell me anything because I was just a girlfriend, not an Army wife so no children, no wedding ring, no need to tell until the names are known. I needed stability then, but absolutely no-one, not my family (dad or brother), not my boyfriend, or particularly friends, could give it to me. 

All too late I had learned that the only safe place was myself but I was too battered mentally and wanted that perfect person to just help me – that's what I had been brought up to believe. That's just one serious relationship of a few that I had (about 10 years in all) before I met my husband. Through it all, he became my island. It's not been easy, I can't lie but he is my safe place and I became part of a family finally with his daughter. This has been quite personal to put into writing but I would be interested to know your thoughts and if you feel safe to share yours.

Liz

A Moodscope member