Thursday April 15, 2021

My yoga teacher just did a yoga nidra online (like a meditation). She suggested we think of our emotions whether we felt sad, angry, worried, anxious, etc. I just thought sad. It was the only word I could use to describe my feeling. She then suggested opposites for each but not for sad. I suppose the opposite is happy but I don’t think it would have been as easy as maybe calm instead of worry for example.

It got me to thinking about the depression. The worst thing for me with the depression is the feeling of sadness. It never leaves. It is always there, like a black cloud. It does not always hang over me. That depends on how I handle it. It can overwhelm me but I can also push it down. It is still there ‘looking at me’ but I choose to ignore it.

It does feel like a daily battle. When I wake up, do I have the strength to push it down or will it overwhelm me? I wish I could make it go away but it doesn’t seem to work like that. The ‘happy pills’ control it somewhat but it is still there. I know it is. I feel it in my stomach and my throat. There are tears waiting to come. Sometimes they do come and I can’t stop crying. People want a reason why I am sad or crying. There isn’t a reason. There doesn’t need to be. It just is. I can’t explain it not even to myself, let alone anyone else. Does there need to be a reason?

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