Handed down to me, I now realise, were some lessons I'd rather not have been present for. Fear, inhibition, harsh self-criticism and judgements of others to name a few. Its not a great list. It took me a long while to realise that, although ingrained, deep down these words were not me. This inner conflict is perhaps part of my reason for struggling with my mental health.
If conflict exists within us it's no wonder our minds take a battering. Like an invisible tug of war we run from end to end trying to cover both bases. I'm having to distance myself from a person who has made me feel this way. (I notice I can't even describe to you who this is, such is the hold I still feel and guilt for breaking free.) And I cannot distance myself. They are a firm part of my life and impossible to set free from. But I can distance my mind.
I'm practising. Noticing when they judge and scowl and attempt to control with passive aggressive behaviour. Then I only have to counteract this with my internal recognition of the occasion and its done, I'm free to make up my own mind. My own feeling. My own response. I'm sorry that it took so long. But when we learn from others we have trusted, it takes quite a length of time to undo a lesson and write our own.
Very slowly I am re-writing myself. Its hard work, sometimes awful, but interesting. Each step is one closer to freedom. And it feels good, so I keep going. I fear there could be casualties along the way if I'm not ultra-cautious and so I tiptoe still trying to get through leaving everyone unscathed. Yes, hard work.
And you... might it possible you have learned a lesson or a behaviour which is not really you? Something which is no longer serving you and needs to change. Are you acting out a scene from someone else's book or are you sure you are living your own? It's a deep question. And worthy I think.
The room above the garage
A Moodscope member.
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