There are two cards in the daily test that, for me, act as canaries in a coal mine, signalling that I might be lower than normal. These are the Ashamed and Guilty cards.

The Guilty card explanation is “Feeling regret for having done something wrong.” The Ashamed card is, “Feeling shame for having done something wrong or foolish.”

If you’re like me, there are many instances where you wish you could turn back time and have done things differently. I find I tend to feel guilty about those things I knew were wrong at the time and I still I did them, whereas I feel shame over those times where I acted as I thought best, or in ignorance, and it turned out I was utterly mistaken. Often the guilt comes when I unintentionally hurt someone, or didn’t give them what they needed, when it was within my power to do so.

I remember, when I managed a hairdressing salon, over twenty years ago now, a longtime customer came in, clearly in distress. I made her a cup of coffee and left her alone. What I should have done, of course, is to have sat with her, offering tissues and silent support, and let her unburden herself if she wanted to. I wish so much I could turn back time and do it differently. That customer was so let down by my seeming callousness, she left and didn’t come back. I am deeply sorry about that.

Another time, I found myself sitting on the train back from London, next to someone I knew casually from the neighbourhood. I prattled merrily away for the entire journey, not knowing the convention is that you talk until the first station and thereafter bury yourself in the newspaper or your book, giving you companion time to wind down from the strain of work. I am still mortified by that.

The first caused deep hurt and the second possibly mere annoyance, but the result is the same for me, guilt and shame.

Most of the time, actions such as these are forgotten, but in the bad times these and many more instances come back to haunt me. I dwell on them and beat myself up over them.

Recently, I started on a new anti-depressant drug, in addition to my mood stabilisers. This new cocktail seems to suit me very well and I have found my mood lifting. As a result, when these recollections come up, I have asked myself what I’d say to a friend who came to me, troubled by such memories.

My advice to her would be, “We’re all human and make mistakes. We need to forgive ourselves as well as others.”

So, I’ve started to practise self-forgiveness. It was difficult at first but became easier as I got into the habit.

What about you? Are you able to forgive yourself for all the mistakes you made? If you were your own best friend, what advice would you give?

Mary

A Moodscope member