I find myself on a path heading towards sibling estrangement. This sneaked up on me when I was busy focussing on other things. Being bewildered and confused, I started doing some background reading. I thought I would share what I found, in case it helps anyone, and I would be interested to hear other insights or viewpoints.

Sibling estrangement is described variously but includes lack of communication, meaningful contact, and emotional connection. This can be an absolute breakdown or reduced connection.

Our sibling relationships are potentially the longest relationships in our lives. Siblings see you at multiple stages of your life, so have an in-depth history and viewpoint. These relationships can and often are fantastic and amazingly supportive, but when they go wrong they are incredibly painful, and can trigger depression and anxiety.

A key estrangement characteristic is shame, both to tell or explain to the outside world, and for me the shame that I am not good enough or enough value for my siblings wanting a closer relationship with me.

Sibling Estrangement often occurs as we get older, but likely the seeds were sown a long, long time ago, when we were children, and there was a broader dynamic. It could be environmental, financial struggles, addiction, illness, or family roles. Children can be labelled, the good one, the academic one, the gifted one, etc. Sometimes a parent can put too much on one or more child, with practical tasks to support the family or being the scape goat or emotional crutch. Resentment can build up between siblings, and none have an easy ride.

Later on when siblings choose life partners, the dynamics and the rules of engagement change (often without being announced let alone agreed to), and new expected sibling roles can be pushed by spouses. Or people can just drift apart.

Adult interactions with siblings, can subconsciously slip into child mode – behaviours that a person doesn’t usually use emerge only in this dynamic. These were actions that were needed to survive as a child but are no longer appropriate, and escalate destructive vortexes.

For many people when they break off communications with a sibling it is a relief, they don’t have to deal with the constant angst, and their lives are better for it.  However, for me I want sibling relationships, but I cant force what is not wanted.

The advice is keep channels of communication open, and start at a good point. For example, recollecting some happy time of good shared experience. Anchor in the positive. I also need to examine my role in creating this mess. For my self-care I need to set boundaries (no money lending!) and if I am criticised ask “What brings you to that conclusion?" "Why do you think that?"

If things don’t go well, and we are estranged then I hope that the spouses and children, take care of my siblings, looking after them and my siblings are happy.

Daisy

A Moodscope member