Something's changed. I was aware subconsciously before I realised it. That fleeting thought a few weeks back: "I wonder whether my old counsellor does one off sessions". Then last week something happened which would usually make me feel angry and upset. This time it rendered me curled up in bed weeping. Two days later I just started crying for no real reason. At parents evening my daughters' key worker said "Well done mummy, your girls are excelling". But all I heard was (non-existent) criticism in the pauses between her sentences.
But more than all this material evidence is a change in the way I feel. Tears beneath the surface. Explosive reactions over the tiniest negative situation. Huge self-depreciation. Shying from physical contact. I've felt this way before. I thought it was behind me but here it is again. And I'm terrified. I know how those dark years felt. They were horrendous for everyone near me. I know I'm a fighter, I know I got through it before. But I don't want to have to fight that fight again.
But, I've noticed what's happening. That's hugely valuable. I haven't got a clue what's brought me back here so there's no quick fix. Instead, a proactive question: how do I stop myself slipping further down this slope?
I've started charting my scores. I know I ought to have been but I've never done is properly previously. They're all over the place but I know a pattern will come in time.
Comfort and warmth are a huge part of my well being. So I've found my thick slippers, got out my cosy blanket and added an extra t-shirt. It helps.
Perhaps I should see if my old counsellor does one off sessions. Or book in for a few. And at the very least I need to talk to my other half about what's happening. Currently it's an unspoken that we're dancing around. He knows it, I know it. We need to talk about it.
And then there's re-balancing my social vs home life. Sometimes hiding at home helps. Sometimes getting out and finding a giggle helps. Maybe I need a difference balance there.
But is there anything else I can do? I know help mechanisms are so personal but I'd love to hear any suggestions from other members. I'm so desperate to watch the black cloud blow past rather than getting stuck beneath it.
A Moodscope member.
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