I can see the signs of new life, flowing from a thawing of the frozenness of winter. Little bulbs of colour, purple, yellow, white and green. Baby daffodils, hitherto dormant in the womb of mother earth, now birthing into a new life, soaking up the sunshine and breathing fresh air to grow.

Yet only a few weeks ago, we were in the grip of frozenness, as snow storms pummeled our day and night temperatures. Incidentally, frozen is how I have felt for a while now. Of course, there have been the necessary triggers of death and destruction, that birth this frozenness. Losing both my parents, losing my health to Covid, being ‘disciplined’ at work (a very disproportionate response to the incident at hand, leading to my resignation, in despair and despondency both), the past few years have felt heavy.

‘Heavy’ is the best description I have for the feeling of being deep in water, unable to breathe. ‘Heavy’ is what grief and hopelessness feel for me.

I suppose, if one lives with ‘Heavy’ for many years, one is ‘Frozen’. Perhaps, our nervous system, constantly called to ‘bear the weight’ of life circumstances, our hearts and minds, feeling isolated, misunderstood, having little reprieve, and even lesser to hope for, grow numb in pain, hence frozen.

I am beginning to understand the evolutionary purpose of frozenness. Perhaps, it is nature’s way of maintaining status quo, to preserve life, until life can flow again. Frozenness has a real value. It protects life. After all, we know that rich life flourishes in warmer waters, in the depths of frozen lakes.

So try NOT to beat yourself down for being frozen. Life can throw a lot of the proverbial, and life is neither logical, and often times, not even reasonable. So, I try not to judge myself for feeling low, or hurting, or being frozen, any more. I remind myself, I havn’t failed. I have simply preserved life, until the circumstances are right for a thawing and flowing to happen.

I am reminded of the serenity prayer, knowing the wisdom between what we can influence, and what is beyond our realm of control.

So, with spring looming, I have initiated a regime to heal, to repair and to grow deeper and dare I say stronger.

My recipe is simple. I only focus on little steps. I take a hour at a time, and acknowledge myself for all that flows through me in that space – both the positive (productive efforts like getting out of bed, washing, walking the dog, doing housework etc.) and the not so positive (feeling panic, feeling deeply despairing, sinking further in the heaviness of grief).

I acknowledge myself for feeling all these feelings and thinking all the thoughts. Each has a reason to be there. And none is permanent. When heaviness weighs on me, I stand still, knowing that in time, the inner dimension of strength which is rich in life and fertile in the depths of my psyche, will emerge, thaw the frozenness a little, and off I will go again.

How may you be kind on yourself just now? Just at this moment… just one small step.

Rekha

A Moodscope member.