That after Christmas feeling

Friday December 28, 2018

Oh does anyone else feel like this? You look at Fakebook – getting a glimpse of other people's Christmases and feeling happy that they have invited me in in some way to their world. But... there's always a downside.

Our Christmas is very different... there are just the two of us now where there were three (my stepdaughter) and we were round the corner from my brother who we would visit in the evening. But we now live 500 miles away from everyone and made this decision to come up to the Highlands which we love but I do miss many people.

Last night we went to friends and it was lovely – a good laugh. Tonight (Boxing Day) we were invited out to more friends but I'd been dipping in and out of a low mood all day, with only respite from a lovely sunny walk in the woods and Mrs Doubtfire on the TV – and I couldn't face going out tonight. Robin Williams never failed to make me laugh – but as we all know, he so had his demons, even with that sparkling talent and general awesomeness that gave so much to many.

You see, I had the perfect childhood, I really had. With all the wonderful Christmasses that I am so nostalgic for. But something changed. Perhaps it was England. Maybe my mum's alcoholism and eventual death from cirrhosis of the liver. Her father and brother were also in the same vein. And guess what, I too am fond of 'the sauce' but not in the tragically resplendent ways of my previous family. I say previous for now I have a new family, one I chose for myself.

So when I go on Facebook, all I see is a haze of people surrounded by their mothers and fathers, who look happy, who didn't go off the rails for whatever reason (and I still don't know the reason why my mum drank but I suspect my dad's constant infidelities were a seriously contributory factor). They also have happy looking children – I never had my own – my indecision and fear becoming my 'decision' - although I do have a fairly marvellous stepdaughter – lucky me indeed. That was a relationship I bumbling nurtured and boom! It worked, and we love each other dearly. But I miss her so much. I miss what my mum and dad might have been together, I don't miss her awful 'replacement', my ridiculous stepmother... and I miss my deaf father-in-law in Devon and my marvellous mother-in-law (sadly died).

So forgive me if the ugly jealous monster rears its ugly head but I AM jealous. For what I could have had... a baby, a normal mum and dad and a sibling that doesn't piss me off with his smugness, and a weird judgemental sister-in-law. I miss the lovelies in my life that are too damn far away – my stepdaughter, our old friends and my lovely second dad. As they say, a dog is for life, not just for Christmas. Thank god Christmas isn't for life.

A Moodscope member.

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