It has been a long time since I’ve listened to one of my favourite artistes, The Carpenters. Now I remember why.
No one touches me like Karen Carpenter. Such a beautiful voice as the mouthpiece for such a human soul. In her and Richard’s songs there are the heights of joy and the depths of sorrow.
Yes, however, it is the sorrow, the sadness, that sets me free – not the joy. You see, I live life as an imposter. Many people talk about ‘imposter syndrome’ but rarely do they mean an emotional imposter. When I sing along with Karen, I often have to stop because I am so choked up I can hardly breathe, and I certainly can’t sing anymore. The words stick in my throat because they hit a raw nerve, opening up an unhealed series of wounds.
Why is this such a good thing? Because it is part of my truth. My truth is that I have settled for less. I’ve settled for ‘enough’. I’ve said, ‘Yes!’ to ‘OK”. Yet, inside me, is a passionate romantic for whom the Universe is far less than it should be, ought to be, must be.
My logical mind wins for months on end. It says, “Get real, Dreamer! Life is struggle. Life is pain. Life is disappointment. And, by the way, it’s too late… you’re too old... you missed it. Anything beyond your current experience is the invention of overpaid fashion and marketing gurus, and those who peddle the false-hopes of the lucrative self-help industry. Nothing more than this was promised you. You should be more stoical – you’d be happier!”
Then I sing along with Karen and I break. Sometimes in floods of tears. It’s a painful truth but it’s my truth: that I want more. I want romance, I want love, I want to be cherished. And I want to love and to cherish and to be romantic.
Of course, the failure to achieve this dream may well have been what led to Karen’s demise.
Poor Mental Health may well exist in the gulf between how we think Life should be and how it turns out, but I still love Karen and the deeper reality she puts me back in touch with.
I close with some of her words:
Are just like wine
And I am drunk
[“But only for rare, magical moments in time.” – added by me]
A Moodscope member.
I Can Dream, Can’t I?
(I’m Caught Between) Goodbye and I Love You
Love Me For What I Am
It’s Going To Take Some Time
I Won’t Last A Day Without You
Rainy Days And Mondays