In the 1960's and 70's I was treated as manic-depressive, (in the 1980's it was discovered I wasn't). My access to medication was limited as I only had one good kidney – my excellent GP said 'We're on our own'. Recently, a news item said that there are 6 million people suffering from depression in the UK. The majority of treatment is by CBT – and the wait for any treatment at all is months. During my own time spent in that maelstrom I wrote a book on Manic Depression, some of which was published in the then Psychologist Magazine, the following was a chapter heading, 'The Depressive State'.

Greyness surrounds, the outlook bleak,

No hope, no joy.

Unreasoning, unreasoned hopelessness.

No future, no past,

The present a world without form,

Nor colour, nor light nor laughter

Can penetrate your unreceptive mind.

Amorphous, no will to live or die.

The pain in other people's eyes;

They cannot understand.

Yesterday, just yesterday

You cared, for you, for them, nothing has changed

But you.

To you even the trees have changed;

Twigs, branches, wind-blown leaves

Are one, are blurred,

Joined in the grey unending gloom

Of life,

Where light is now denied,

The light of life, the spirit, the desire

To live.

Living no longer, you exist, meaning has flown,

Oh God! Come back,

Desert me not, you cannot leave me here

Enmeshed in darkling thoughts, a lonely fear.

No one can enter in that sullen mind

Closed to all help, no giving out, no taking in,

Weighed down,

With nothing, for from nothing did this evil thing arise,

There's nothing to fight, nothing to see, nothing to feel.

Then, today the sun shone.

The Gardener.

A Moodscope member.