In three short months I will turn 50. I have not really been thinking about my age in terms of a number, but regardless so much is changing. The business that I started 10 years ago is coming to a close. It has brought me joy, tears, a little money, some recognition, and a lot of stress. My 11 year marriage - with almost a third of it living apart - will be ending officially soon. My daughter turned 10 recently and the realization that her loving parents are not in love with each other has hit her hard and it has broken my heart. My body is changing. I haven't had a lengthy conversation with anyone in weeks for fear that I will burst into tears.
I am tired.
I know that now is the time to change course. Turning 50 is a milestone. Nothing lasts forever. But I don't know where to begin. I don't know where the strength to continue will come from. I spent the first half of my life just trying to survive. A childhood with little love and a lot of fear. A marriage I only said yes to because I was afraid to be alone. A business of feeling like I was never good enough. Making plans and then making endless excuses to get out of them because I didn't have the strength to be judged for my inadequacies, perceived or otherwise.
I was thinking the other day how I wish I had a shield around me to protect me from the world. A bubble gum colored ectoplasm that would extend off my body about 10 feet in every direction. I could exist in the world and not have my energy sapped each time I left my room. I know this is a gift I can give to myself. Each morning I can choose to wake up and meditate and visualize that shield around me. Rose colored love. But instead I wake up depressed and tired from a night of drinking because I couldn't bear to feel the weight of the day's thoughts and conversations and terrible news upon me. I could begin the day with meditation and stretching and feeling calm from a night of drinking tea instead of alcohol. I know life is not without suffering; I am not hoping to live a life free of pain. But I want to live more proactively? Purposefully? Whatever the opposite is of hiding from pain and shame, because it is exhausting and not the way I want to live the next half of my life if given the chance to do so.
But I'm afraid and I am exhausted. How do you make the change when you feel so defeated? I would love to hear how others have changed the path they were heading down.
A Moodscope member