Sometimes it's just days. Sometimes it's for weeks. Every so often I am incarcerated for months.

So far, thank goodness, my sentence has not been for years – unlike some people I know – poor souls.

I'm locked up now, in that foul place, chained in a corner and tormented by Dementors.

J K Rowling wrote this about the Dementors:

"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can't see them. Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself — soul-less and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Yes – even Muggles feel their presence although to them, Azkaban is invisible. My family and friends cannot see my cell and they cannot see my chains. I don't want them to see the Dementors either.

I can't give into those Dementors right now; I have too many people dependent on me. They need me strong and happy - so I will give them strong and happy. One friend in particular needs my light. I will keep that light burning if at all possible.

And I've got a few excuses racked up for the times the happiness slips and the light grows dim. My newly mended ankle hurts. I'm frustrated I can't do more. I'm worried about my friend who is going through a hard time. I'm concerned for my husband who has borne the burden for the past few weeks.

They're all excellent excuses and they're not the truth.

We all know the truth, because we're the ones who see and feel the Dementors. I guess it's a bit like seeing ghosts, but less glamorous – and actually a bit more scary. My buddies know the truth as they are the ones who see my scores and who question me when those scores drop into dungeon territory. They know that, once again, I'm in my prison rags and cut off from the light. They can't see the Dementors but they see the effects.

Usually I am fairly honest about where I am on my depression cycle, but this time I have to keep things to myself. My family cannot deal with anything more just at the moment.

I hope this sentence will be short. I hope the cell door will unlock soon. And I hope my release will be less melodramatic than that of Bellatrix Lestrange! (Cue manic laughter and the waving of wands...)

At least they let me have my quill and parchment to write this letter to you! I hope the owl delivered it on time.

Mary

A Moodscope member.