The storm will end.

Saturday May 3, 2014

I'm a fairly happy person; enthusiastic, talkative and full of plans, but I've always had a bit of a dark side. Up one day, down the other. The same world, different colors. It took me at least fifteen years to figure out that there actually was a pattern to my mood swings.

There are days I see the world in a very dark light, days when my one and only task is to remind myself it will pass, that my life is not as bad as the poison in my mind is telling me it is. And it happens every month around the same days in my cycle. It's one to five days of depression every month, because my mind reacts badly to my hormones.

After logging my mood for months (thanks Moodsope!), my GP put me on anti-depressants some years ago. It felt wrong to take medication the whole time only to make life easier on a couple of days. So I stopped. Then I got pregnant and the monthly monster disappeared. I forgot how bad it was, but its back now, with a vengeance because post-pregnancy PMS (or PMDD as this darker version is called) seems to be worse. A grey mist that make days so very hard to get through.

The great thing is, that is passes. The bad thing is, that it always comes back. I feel my shoulders getting tense, I become more grumpy, and then at some point, it strikes. The poison lands in my head and all is negative. I have failed in life. Life is out to get me. I hate everyone (and I should email them and let them know). I could beat people up. Never did, but I felt like it. Two days later, its back to normal.

I share this, because I don't actually read that much about it and it must be a very real problem for quite a number of women. Many of my friends get grumpy, puffy, in need of chocolate and that's bad enough. But some hate themselves so fiercely once a month, we have to tell each other it's just the hormones, it's not reality.

And that's the most valuable lesson I get out of this monthly challenge. Tie yourself to the mast and the storm will end. I have created a nice first aid package for Mrs. Hyde. A note listing the topics that my mind should not wonder off to. A reminder to read a book, watch a film, send my friends a message. Not to write any angry emails or any bitter reactions online. Not to pick fights because they make it worse. To play with my daughter. To sleep. And to remember that it will pass.

A Moodscope member.

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