Yes this blog is about a trolley but it's more than that. Literally my would-be fantastic drinks trolley is a representation of spectacular and unremitting artistic failure as I attempted decoupage, then cutting wallpaper and finally sticking glitter tape on it. The decoupage didn't work as I used napkins on an embossed metal diamond patterned surface... really challenging.

The really cool wallpaper was cut wrongly again and again (a rounded oblong) and now the glitter tape has been done in stripes... but it is easily removable. I won't have enough though so although the concept is good, it can't be completed.

So, I have learnt that perhaps the final attempt may just work. Take the badly cut wallpaper and decoupage with that as it's stronger or continue with the tape. When it is completed I shall look back on this lockdown and remember that.

Yesterday I was looking forward to my day off. Took the dog for a walk in the woods and he was a nightmare with other dogs, although alone harmless and charming as normal. Then I attempted work inside with said trolley. Hours of failure with no end in sight. Then I watched a very visceral drama on Netflix and later, Coronation Street with its awful domestic abuse storyline. I should have known better.

My mood spiralled down again after a bad dip on Saturday night and subsequent up. In the background to this, my beloved stepdaughter has not been well and is still in pain, in and out of hospital and so far away with no resolution as yet of her issue, so young to be having this and in the back of our minds, we are terrified in case something bad happens as surgery may be the next step.

She is getting fobbed off though but bravely soldiering on. I turned down a part-time job offered to me as I know I cannot cope with the challenges, ironically applied for when self employment was non-existent and then picked up, before the virus hit and shut things down again. I crashed again spectacularly in my head and thought I was doing well and resilient.

Another potential opportunity is bubbling in the background but I have become obsessive with it and as a control freak, cannot do anything about it yet and it is driving me mad not knowing the outcome. Wanting something so badly to happen and now not happy right where I am yet also because of my self employment (taking funeral services), realising that life is short and thinking again... how much time have I got left?

The next service I do is for someone just 13 years older than me. How much time has anyone got left... and overthinking becomes the enemy. And it all started with a simple trolley... I don't know what I have to learn from this except to be resilient, grateful and patient... and all the rest... but it's so easier said than done.

My head feels like a slow-motion car crash at times and I am the great pretender to all who view my endeavours.

Liz

A Moodscope member.