I feel as if my childhood set the stage for my life's theme; being treated as less than, if not flat out bullied wherever I go. I have been fighting to be seen and to be treated equally for as long as I remember.

They say to keep your income source quiet; but I don't have many secrets. My motto is: “Nothing to hide and hiding nothing." That has backfired. In my growing up years I was not allowed to have boundaries. My mother raided all my diaries and demanded explanations and apologies for the content she disliked. My parents both flagrantly favored my younger two siblings and the oldest two like we do not exist to this day. (I do not communicate beyond bare essentials with my family anymore).

After moving to a border town with a dwindling population, I felt the need to explain why I had moved to a village without many work opportunities; I have a baseline income that covers my bills. (A disability pension). But then the judgmental stares come, complete with the comment; “People on government incomes are taking our tax money. We support them.” I say; "I have never received anything from the government that was simply handed to me, and you pay taxes no matter how the money is spent." 

A lot of times I am treated like I am less than just for showing up or possibly for being a female, I do not know. (For the record, I do bathe regularly and dress ordinarily). And I find myself pushing back to the co-worker acting like my boss, or the boss who is talking down to me like I am a toddler. It frustrates me.

Other themes I have noticed is if someone gossips about me negatively it is lapped up for the truth, if I have something to say the perpetrator is defended. Just like in my childhood; another favored, me condemned. A lot of times the antagonist has the charisma of a cult leader and invokes quite a following of mindless "sheeple."(people who act like sheep). Yet I can imitate the exact same charisma and egocentrism without the popularity. It feels like there is a double standard in the universe, one for me and one for everyone else. A very unjust one at that. 

A real thief of happiness is comparing yourself to other people, I have heard. So while this blog is largely negative, I have wondered if other Moodscopers feel the same/have had similar experiences and struggles. How do you handle it? 

Bailey

A Moodscope member