In a counselling session I had, I was given "There's a hole in my sidewalk", by Portia Nelson, and was asked to consider where I was on the journey. If you are not familiar with this work the basic outline is that there is a hole in the road. At first you don't see it so fall in, then you fall in because you pretend you can't see it, followed by falling in because it's a habit. The next step is to walk around it and finally, the last stage is taking a new road.

The hole in the road, to me, represents a particular problem in my life. It's been there for many years so I know this hole very well indeed. I have been down in that hole for a very long time. Occasionally getting out, but ultimately making it my home.

After finally finding the courage to walk away from the hole I am taking steps to leave it behind for good. It's not easy, and often find myself turning back to have a little look at it...sometimes I go close enough to take a look down it. That's usually when I am forgetting what it was really like down there and wondering if perhaps it might be a comfy place after all. I tell myself, maybe it will look and feel a bit different this time. Maybe it could be what I want it to be. So I admit, it can be tempting to put a foot in there...just to see. But then I remember, I can't just put a foot in as I would fall and be back in the hole. I have done this step many times before, and each time reality hits that the hole will never change, it is what it is. And I don't like it.

So now when I go to look at the hole I pour a bit of cement in, to close it up. It's not quite full yet, and what's in hasn't set but I'm working on it. Maybe when it is fully filled I might build a skyscraper on top, just to ensure I don't start trying to dig away at it! But I am certain, it will be filled in, I will not allow myself to go there again. So the journey I am on right now is hard work, it's challenging, it's bumpy...but I'm determined to make it. If I don't, I know that ultimately I will have made a choice to be unhappy. I know there's no guarantees what the different road will bring but at least I will have given myself the opportunity to find out. And after writing this, I have just added another layer of cement and taken a step closer to achieving my goal.

Rosie

A Moodscope member.