"Who falls for this stuff? " I mutter, as yet another online advert pops up, promising cures for everything from deafness to dodgy knees. Then I glance in the mirror and note the handle growing from one side of my head. When a problem arises my first reaction is to throw money at it. I started young.
I was a plump teenager. My mother's meds gave her a pot belly. I found the solution. Plastic garments promised to melt the fat. Each day we would clean the house in our underwear, topped with shiny pink bloomers from knee to armpit. Plus, for me arm covers and a chin strap for my chubby chops.
No need to diet now, this miracle meant I could stuff my face. I think you can guess what the outcome was.
They saw me coming.
Then came horrible Energen "slimming" rolls, like eating polystyrene. PLJ lemon juice before meals, expensive meal replacement biscuits
I can never keep lipstick on, I have a bag of discarded purchases. 12 hours my arse. Then I saw an advert, make-up that lasted for days. Hurrah! A more prudent woman would have ordered one item to try, but that's not my way. Fools rush in.
When it arrived, I did a full make-up. An hour later I looked in the mirror. Not a trace. I never bother asking for refunds, but I was asked for feedback. This resulted in the irate woman owner phoning, berating me for failing to apply it properly, then sarcastically suggesting I must suffer from disgusting oily lips and eyelids, before slamming the phone down.
We had an incontinent old dog, hormones did not work, so as usual I got Googling. There was the answer - nappy pants for dogs. "Take a video of your happy pooch in her pants and you could win a prize" they said.
What a home movie that would have been, Spock and I swearing like troopers as Candy snarled and bit us as we wrestled with her. How delighted she looked, waddling around, pants sliding down her legs.
The list goes on, tugless tights that fall down, a magic grout pen that does one tile then dries out, pheromone plug-ins to calm the dogs, a "Wash 'n' Go" perm in the 80's that left me looking like a blond Jimi Hendrix, an epilator that tore my legs, DIY dry cleaning kit, slimming tea, scented candles that are free from any scent.
Let's face it. I am a sucker, an adman's dream. My neighbour had an Amazon parcel yesterday, and a little voice said "You can have one of those Val, just one click of the mouse, what are you waiting for?".
So, fess up, ever been ripped off?