Here is my confession. Partly the joy of being Pisces, two fish swimming in opposite directions. I really want to travel and go further afield but I hate being away from home, even though I am keen to explore other cultures and places, in the UK and abroad. This makes holidays and short breaks difficult to say the least. I don't sleep well if at all and I get anxious about the journey and all the aspects of travel.

Just a few days ago, I went to Glasgow with my husband. Had to sort two different people to look after the dog and was worried about putting too much on the second people. I worry about the dog escaping and getting run over too. The parking can be problematic where we stay. I had alcohol the night before which exacerbated my worries (why do I not learn?). The weekend was brilliant. I sorted out the parking. The dog was fine and alive when we got back and had a fab time! I slept not one but two nights on the trot without waking up. The only negative was a chump at the concert (a real “look at me” type) who had no spatial awareness whatsoever and it was a tad claustrophobic at times – the downside of concerts.

I am so tired of what I call preparing myself negatively for every eventuality and pre-assuming what things will be like. It really can stop possible enjoyment in its tracks. I have read somewhere that this is a trauma response and I would welcome thoughts on it. 

I will give you a direct example from my teenage years. When I left for school in the morning, my mum would be ‘normal’ but when I came back, she was different, sometimes rambling, but just not the person I expected to come back to. Looking back with adult eyes, she may have been drinking. I found hidden bottles in the next house we moved to, two half full bottles of vodka hidden down the back of a cupboard (I was trying to find mouse nests of all things and seeing where they might be coming into the kitchen from and happened to come across these much to my surprise). I felt derailed and sometimes her frustration would be directed totally at me. The men weren't around, surprise, surprise or they had learnt to escape. The need to escape is also strong in me but has been abated over the years.

The upshot of this legacy is that I am hyper sensitive to any kind of atmosphere and dislike surprises or change (anything I can't control as an adult). It's kind of good when I go in and see families who are bereaved because it sharpens my senses to how I should respond to them. I realise as well that I am preparing myself for confrontation (which sometimes never happens) and I should have heeded the blue milk jug on my grandma's table which said “don't worry it may never happen”.

Liz

A Moodscope member