Spiritual warrior that is.

My brain is wired differently than most people. This I have finally accepted.

For a long time I operated at two speeds. At my worst I was self destructive, enraged, paranoid, suicidal - a runaway train barreling down 100 miles an hour at anything in my path. This was usually followed by periods of shame, tiredness, loneliness, depression.

Luckily I have not experienced my worst in a long time, thanks to an arsenal of meds, an amazing therapist, and what I call my daily non negotiables - running, yoga, rest, limited drinking and meditation. Mindfulness meditation. I could not meditate for a long time. I couldn't sit still long enough to be alone with my thoughts. I didn't want to. The rage was too great, the depression too bleak, the shame too painful. But that was when I was trying to escape from myself. I didn't want to exist. I was ashamed of existing.

Through therapy - my therapist is also a practicing kundalini yoga teacher - I learned to sit with the thoughts and feelings. Not judge them but rather observe them and release them. When a particularly painful memory comes up, we use breathing and EMDR to help release the emotions behind the event.

I do my hardest work with her, but she has taught me a very effective technique for dealing with uncomfortable feelings on the spot when I'm alone. After a few deep breaths to settle myself, I concentrate on where in my body I feel the tension. Usually it's my stomach, but sometimes it's my heart, or my throat. I give the feeling a number from 1 through 10, 10 being the most intense. Then I give it a color and a shape. Usually red is the color that comes to mind, and sometimes it's a ball, other times a tight knot or even a knife. Then I just sit and breath and focus on the color and the shape and watch it change. It will change, from red, to perhaps yellow or green, to something else. The shape changes too. And then eventually I realize the tension is gone. Then I visualize the feeling floating down a chord or string from my spine into the earth, dissolving into nothing, hurting no one.

I like the term spiritual warrior because to me it means never giving up on myself. I can accept myself as I am, knowing that I am not perfect, that I have hurt others, that I have been hurt, and know that it is all part of who I am.

I can change my reality of myself, see myself differently than as someone who is just shameful and strange and unlovable. I have another speed now and it's becoming my norm - being calm and rational and dare I say happy. It's a daily practice - a lifetime practice - but it's worth it to me to be a warrior for my own peace of mind.

Lexi

A Moodscope member.