I must confess this blog is heavily biased. I don't go soppy about weddings. I never had that desire for the full-white occasion, being the centre of attention. I got married in a registry office, wearing a black glittery cocktail dress that belonged to my mother, ditto a big pink hat. My 4 month bump was just starting to show. When said bump arrived, we did not have him christened. Like weddings, I can't understand why one would unless an active member of a church..

I have been to a lot of weddings, of course happy for each couple, wished them well, but after hours of waiting for endless photos and small talk longed to get away. Looking back, except for the wedding of my brother and one other couple, all ended in divorce. Maybe it's the circles I mix in. 

I hear that weddings are now eye-wateringly costly, not just for families but for guests, especially when travel is involved. Does anyone else agree there is something off when long-established couples on good incomes send out wedding present lists? 

The last invitation was to a pagan handfasting. We knew the bride for years, had done her quite a few favours. The modest celebration was in a cafe owned by a relative who provided the venue and buffet as a gift. We were not best pleased to receive tickets for £50 a head to attend. We declined. They split up even quicker than usual. It was a classic case of a wedding as a last ditch effort to mend a failing relationship. 

This blog was prompted by meeting a neighbour who lost his wife a year ago. They were married for 58 years, the last few filled with drama and fear when she got a rare illness. Rod looked terrible, he has barely slept since she died. Worse, there was a falling out with some of her relatives. He barely knew them, they lived abroad. A wedding invitation arrived, to be held locally. He accepted.

The date was the day after the first anniversary of her death. Rod planned a few private little rituals and trips to mark the day alone. As the wedding date approached he realised it would be exhausting and emotionally hard to attend. He cancelled, with apologies, over two weeks before, giving the honest reason. He is 85, not in bad shape but this was a big gathering, with live music and hardly anyone he knew well.  

The responses upset him greatly.

"You have cost us £1,200 by doing this" The claim being that it was too late to get the cost reduced for one less guest.

"It would not be so bad if you were actually ill"

"I will have to tell everyone you are unwell, you would not want them to know the real reason I'm sure.”

I have lost count of the times I have made excuses for non-attendance, for various reasons. I don't think I have ever seriously inconvenienced anyone or spoilt an occasion. Also l many times I have turned up, and paid the price afterwards. 

If anyone was annoyed by my absence they never said so. Have you ever been guilt-tripped by others when you simply can't face something?

Val

A Moodscope member