My first blog (and only one so far) for Moodscope was in June 2018. In that blog I had acknowledged the return of 'IT'. 'IT' is the name I give to my depression symptoms. My relationship with IT has changed over the years. IT comes to visit on and off and although I'm not so angry with IT as I use to be, I find IT does affect my interaction with others, my motivation and my energy levels. Do you have your own version of IT?

IT visited in June because I'd taken a break in my medication from the start of spring, with the intention to restart them in the October. I'd noticed that IT always liked to visit around the time that the clocks go back in October. Last year that medication regime worked, this year it didn't!

It's taken me a while to get me back on track, hence the limited involvement with Moosdcope since June, par for the course when IT is around!

I'm always bouncing the boundaries with IT, observing what IT can cope with and what IT cannot. As a visually creative being I imagine IT in many forms, IT is like a shape shifter! IT is a cantankerous cat; a black dog; a black turbulent sea that drags me to its depth; a black worm of uncertainty that pulls me into the deepest, darkest pit. 'IT - the blackest of creatures', is how, in one of my early poems, I've imagined IT:

IT-The Blackest of Creatures

To everything there is a time and a season

A time to be born and a time to die

So the Biblical saying goes

The blackness-IT-has been born

But when will it ever die?

IT creeps amongst the jungled tendrons of a mind:

Black; sleek; cunning and ruthless to its prey

I've been told IT's a man eater

I've been told IT's cunning trick is not to kill the prey

I've been told IT instils so much fear and distress

IT's prey sometimes kills itself

I heard that a man fell in front of a stampede

I heard that a woman fell from a high rock

I heard that a teenager fell from a tree-

Found with creeper tendrons

Around his neck

This blackest of creature -IT- waits for the next victim

Then IT begins IT's cunning chase.

I must find out all about IT

I must find a way to stop IT

I must, because I realize,

IT is beginning to chase me.

I have found writing down my thoughts and feelings about IT really has helped me on my mental health journey. I have found that in my writing down about IT, to my surprise, my writing came out in a visual, poetic and metaphorical way.

I find describing my feelings, associated with IT, in a visual form easier too. Being trapped in a grey bubble; being trapped under a glass bell jar-watching/hearing everything from a distance; wading through dark black treacle; spiralling down into a black pit and plodding through eternal grey, are some images I've used in my writing.

Do any of you Moodscopers define your mental health condition and the feelings/symptoms associated with it in a visual way? If not, give it a go, see what comes up.

Love & Light

Ali

A Moodscope member.