Sometimes life has a way of hitting me over the head, and I never know where it'll lead me.
Sometimes it's a generous sun. Too high to function. I get lost in being in love, or on a rush of feelings and dreams. Everyday things fall between the cracks. My heart fills up too full for ordinary life and there's always another time to catch up with work, bills and the pile of dishes that is inevitable, and I don't even mind it then, working at it in a daze, happiness lingering in me.
Worse though when a blue moon rises. Giving up everyday things out of despair or just lost self-preservation. When just breathing in and out seems like such hard work to keep up. And when dishes piling up are not a fun thing to catch up on and I turn off the lights and leave the kitchen.
People seem to be more patient when we lose focus out of happiness, smiling sideways at us, but it's when we are low we really need their patience, tolerance, maybe even a helping hand. Also, at these times, we need to make a habit of asking. Yes, it's hard. Sometimes impossible. But saying to a friend "this is a bad time for me" is a chance for them to offer help. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and you offer people a chance to be that friend. Texting is a way for me to do just that when asking out loud is too difficult.
Sometimes it's hard for a friend to know. And we don't always help them. I get snappy and mean when I'm on my way down. And people shy away. This of course I see as signs proving how impossible I am. "Obviously no-one likes me".
Well, nobody enjoys being put down or belittled for no reason. But it's hard for me to be vulnerable, it makes me feel weak & small. So much easier to be mean and self-sufficient. So much safer.
But who are we when we've pushed everyone away? What do we have left when we've used up everyone's patience?
Going through a long rough patch now, I've decided to try something else. Crying, sometimes publicly (Yes, I am that embarassing woman with tears pouring down her face at the bus stop!) Blogging. Contacting friends and accepting offers to do things, whether I'm in the mood or not.
I know in my mind I will feel happier when I go out and listen to music, whether I initially feel up for it or not. My body feels better when I eat properly (surprise!) and I sleep better if I do some light exercise. So I just do it, put on some shoes and I walk.
All things add up and I'm hoping all this "pretending to be a person" will soon add up to feeling like a person again, the somewhat decent, grounded person I used to be, and guess what?
I'm doing it with a few new friends that showed up during these bad times, that I never knew I had until I asked.
A Moodscope user.
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