Where Do I Start?

26 Mar 2018

I've read other peoples accounts of depression, here on Moodscope, in books, magazines and online. I'm familiar with the scenario of not being able to get out of bed, not having the will to start the day, but I'd never experienced it myself, until this weekend.

It was a Sunday morning and the kids football matches were cancelled owing to snow and ice, the mini Beast from the East. So we could lie in, take it easy, stay in our pyjamas.

My husband and I had been out for dinner the night before, home by 9.30pm due to him having a cold and me feeling tired and disconnected on new antidepressants. He couldn't taste his meal and I couldn't get through a conversation but we congratulated ourselves on making it out and just having time together. On arriving home I went straight to bed, absolutely shattered, out for the count and relaxed at the prospect of a lie in.

Sunday morning and the children got up, downstairs in pjs, TV on, helping themselves to breakfast, husband already up and on his bike despite the cold. I just laid there. But I wasn't relaxed, I felt confusion, I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to make a decision. I didn't know where to start. I couldn't face the day, I couldn't face my family. The day lay ahead of me, and I couldn't meet it. This was not just a not wanting to get out of bed because it's warm and cosy and I'm still a bit tired. This was a full on 'If I get out of this bed I'll have to face things that I have no idea how to deal with'. So I stayed put.

Husband arrived back and came up to find me. One look at me told him I wasn't meeting the day with any of my usual greetings. 'Just get up and go and make a cup of tea then come back to bed.' I did it. 'Now go and have a shower, use some nice body wash.' I did that. 'Get dressed and come downstairs when you're ready.' Getting dressed is hard, I'd rather wear the same leggings and loose jumper, I can so I did. And so the day did progress.

A friend messaged to say did we want to go for a family walk? I let them make the decision of when and where and we went. I did make it. I snuck back to bed for a sleep before the walk, I returned to my bed after the walk and I was in bed early, totally wrung out by 9pm, but I got through the day and the next day was better.

If/when it happens again... It'll be one step at a time again.


A Moodscope member.

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