Or will it?

I am sure many will recognise this endless thought.

Should I go to work today? Or will I stay home, doors locked, curtains drawn, bedcovers safely pulled over my head. Safe and warm. Sleeping.

Will I eat today or stick to the endless mugs of coffee?

Will I answer the phone or stand staring at it as I often do. Waiting, hands wringing praying for it to stop.

This morning whilst putting out the washing (that has been washed three times as I couldn't find the energy to pull it out of the machine), I was distracted by a tiny bird fluttering back and forth, my eyes followed it as it swooped, chirping happily in the sunshine, its only aim to eat and provide for its young: and live.

Beautiful little yellow bird with no thoughts of flying into a wall as I sometimes do whilst driving along, sometimes a bit too fast, sometimes closing my eyes just for a second as if daring something to happen. Never sure what.

No thoughts of lying down in a safe nest of soft covers and closing its small eyes hoping for the sleep that never ends.

The darkness at the top of the garden in the dense woodland looks both a bit scary in the shadows and also very inviting, the small stone steps beckoning me up.

I hear the wind sweep gently through the tall ferns as I take the first step.

I know what will happen if I reach the top.

I will not come back down.

I have planned this moment, though was just never sure when it would come. I had prepared the means (hidden in my secret place under the Hydrangea bush right at the top) to pass into the world of the endless sleep.

Is this where it will all end?

I can hear the phone ringing and feel the warmth of the sun on my back.

I take another step and listen to the happy sounds of children playing somewhere in a sunny green garden.

The pretty bird still swishes back and for, yellow as the golden flowers beneath her.

Shall I take the next step which would take me out of the sunshine into the shadows or should I try once more to find the point of it all?

My cat curling around my ankles looks up at me, eyes locked unspoken words.

I turn then and cannot see through my tears as I walk back into the brightness.

Where will it all end?

Or will it?

Audrey

A Moodscope member.