I had a disagreement with my parents last autumn. It has hung over me like Eeyore’s cloud. Ever the fixer, I felt the weight. The realisation of yet again hosting a large gathering at Christmas stared me in the face. So I did the thing I found toughest, absolutely nothing.   

Instead, I waited for doubts from others to appear in place of making it good. Then as I was approached, I presented the problem. My eldest daughter was singing on a small tour and finished it singing here in three services in the 13 hours between late Christmas Eve and lunchtime the next day. Having missed many special moments over years gone, due to slicing carrots (will I ever wish to have cooked more on my deathbed?), I decided this was the year to go with my heart - to be in church (I’m not a regular) and be surrounded and soothed by the architecture and sounds that brings. It was a freeing choice. And I loved it.

Everybody adjusted. My mother was less than happy at not doing the ‘tradition’ of being taken care of at my (mental) cost, but I’ve now learned the hard way that it’s not my job to provide her happiness. I feel like Bambi’s legs. Not quite sure if I’m going to fall, but very happy to know I still matter, to me.  

The anxiety needed nothing but nothing. It needed to stand up and be seen, then it started to curl away.  

Your boundary is not for others, it’s for you. It’s so you don’t cross into giving away more of yourself than is good for you. A gift to self I’m still processing and finding comfort with, it didn’t cost and it didn’t need wrapped. Remember that you matter.

Love from 

The room above the garage

A Moodscope member