A low grade fever

16 Oct 2019

I feel like I've written about this before. Maybe I have just thought about it numerous times. Am I depressed? I had my astrological chart read once by a wise woman who said that I needed to be mindful of letting things go, that I had a tendency to hang on to a situation long past its expiry date, that by the time I realized "Oh, I should probably drop this" I should have done so long ago.

I also had my tarot cards read, once in Norwich England in 1990 and again in Austin Texas last year. Both pulled the same cards - the Ace of Cups. Both told me the same thing, years apart - that I needed to fill my own cup, that I needed to practice self love. But how does one do that really? I do try. I meditate, try to exercise, try to give myself breaks, but right now that feels like just surface stuff. Down below the same insidious anxiety and shame exists. It's like that scene in Stranger Things (for those of you who have watched it) when Mike Wheeler is screaming at the leviathan demon that he is not afraid, but of course he is, and it takes him over.

Anyhow. Back to the title. My scores have been dropping steadily over the past few days. Hmm, I am tired but nothing I can't handle. Yes my finances are low, but the always are. Yes I signed divorce papers on Sunday, but we've been separated for four years now. Yes I'm 50 with a part time job and a part time business and my daughter is growing up and my parents are ill. Perhaps there is a lot on my plate right now to cause this dip. A dip, not a recession, I say. Because each day I wake up saying it's a new day, but each day I am tired. I don't want to do anything. Perhaps by the time I realize I am depressed, it's already been going on for some time. I guess it's time to treat the low grade fever before it becomes a full blown illness. But how?


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