It was out there...some people would like to meet up, perhaps for a picnic, or at a pub, would I like to join in? Yes, pick me, please, yes, I would! And so it was arranged. Great! I had plenty of time to prepare... it was over a month away and I would be pleased to put faces to names of people I speak to online, at last!
Then the doubts started. Run, Bear, run... Why would anyone want to meet me? I'm not terribly clever, never sure I can contribute enough to help, oh dear, what had I done, why did I agree? Heart was racing, run, Bear, run!
A motiveless attack on me years ago, by a man high on drugs and alcohol, has made me more fearful and anxious about being out of my comfort zone, more wary to go on my own - to places I'm unsure about... run, Bear, run... but I'll be with others, I'll be ok, (hush now, chill, Bear, chill.)
Then the morning arrived, heart beat faster, run, Bear, run. Husband asked why I was so worried... what was the problem? Heart beating faster still, as I couldn't explain - run, Bear, run. I didn't know why.
I made it! Got on the right train, met the two lovely peeps at the next station and we chatted happily. Went to meet the others... what a lovely bunch they were: swapping stories, anecdotes, a liddle light lunch, more ideas and sharing email addresses - so now I have more friends. I shouldn't have worried, I know. These peeps, like most genuine peeps, didn't care what I looked like, and I didn't care what they looked like - we were all just happy to meet up.
What is it that gets me so worried and upset? I can normally reason with myself that things probably won't be as bad as I am fretting about, but the doubts are still there: never feeling quite good enough, self doubt, silly worries... and really, it's not as if I had walked in the room with my skirt tucked into my knickers and had everyone laughing at me! No, I didn't do that!
Depression does this to many of us and I know I have to learn to see that these challenges CAN be overcome, bit by bit. Even those unaffected by depression often find they don't look forward to an event, a speech, a party, or any gathering... the depression just magnifies the problem.
One challenge completed... many more to go, I'm sure - is there a challenge that you can take steps to overcome?
Bearofliddlebrain (not running now!)
A Moodscope member.
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