Bang, the words hit me like an articulated lorry. I feel like I have been in a slowly emerging car crash for the last year, and I knew it would end badly, but I didn't think I would be blamed.
I managed a lady who is a vindictive bully. I did the best I could, but she was underhand. The emerging car crash was the slow realisation that she had been bullying multiple people over a long period, with significant distress and pain to them. The articulated lorry smash was me being held accountable as it happened on my watch, that I hadn't protected people from her. This was the absolute worst thing. I had tried my best, and tried to do the right thing, I had put my heart and soul into trying, even though I was frightened and tired, but I hadn't been able to achieve what was expected of me. And it had devastating consequences.
At that time, something got inside of me, and weakened my soul. I went to dark places. But I didn't give in, I kept on and took a long hard look, and started to put the pieces back together. How do I feel now? Stronger, that I have learnt some important lessons, and that I am vulnerable, I know have an Achilles heal, but I feel I would do things differently.
It took a long time to emerge but I found compassion for myself. For the other past victims, her current and future victims (because for sure they exist, even if they may not even realise as she manipulates them) I apologise that I wasn't able to stop her, and I send them my love and healing. When Karma comes to her I will try to feel pity and care, but her Karma seems a very long time in coming and I am not promising anything, for me there is still an even longer way to go before I can go that far.
And if you are be bullied as I and the others were, I am here for you sending love and healing, don't despair, stay strong you can and will get through. I wake this morning and can still see the scar, I touch it's edges and ridges, and feel grateful I am in a better place.
A Moodscope member.