Failure, Success and Pride.

21 Jul 2020

When you do your Moodscope score every day (and I know many of us have a love/hate relationship with that game), how well do you do on the red Pride card?

Before I started my medication, this card was one of the most volatile in the deck. It was zero or it was three, depending on where I was in my bipolar cycle.

With medication, that score became a stable two. These days, there’s always something that makes me feel proud. Maybe I cooked a nice meal, or did the ironing, or made a client happy. Maybe it is something as simple as keeping my temper when my teenage daughter seems intent on making me lose it. There’s always something.

It’s never more than two. The flip side of the medication is that none of the red cards ever score more than two. Still, I’ll take that emotional stability over the rollercoaster of highs and lows I rode before.

The last ten days, however, have seen me do something of which I’m really proud.

I’m reopening my studio for business on Friday and, because of Covid19, I have a long list of restrictions and procedures I must follow in order to keep my clients safe.

When I looked around my studio, I realised that it was full of things inviting my clients to touch – clothes; jewellery; accessories. Furthermore, it looked cluttered and tired. I decided to take everything out and redecorate completely.

How much time should I allow?

“Oh, three days!” was my immediate thought – and then I thought again.

I always underestimate the time it will take me to do things. I work in what used to be an old cart-barn. It’s 250 years old; ten meters long and three meters wide, with a lofty vaulted roof. Three days? I laughed.

I decided to give myself ten days and I’m so glad I did. Even with ten days, I haven’t quite managed it – but then, I didn’t take into account that life goes on, and that the family still needed to be fed. I hadn’t factored in that I am in my fifties and cannot keep going until midnight as I could when I was in my thirties. I had not considered emails that need answering and friends who want to talk.

But – it’s nearly there. The ceiling and walls and woodwork are all painted. Some of the furniture is back in place.

Not everything is going back. Covid-aware working means the space must be easily cleaned. It must be streamlined and minimal but still inviting and welcoming.

When it’s finished, I will be proud.

Where I’m most pleased with myself, however, is adjusting my timescale to be realistic. I didn’t set myself up for failure but for success.

I’ve learned my lesson there, and this is the proof. Well done Mary – give yourself a pat on the back!

That Pride card, however, will still only score a two.


A Moodscope member

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Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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