I am learning to put a price tag on my own head. Yes. That is correct.
As an abused and otherwise neglected child from a poverty beleagured farming household; the "not good enough," message seems to have been singed deep into my spirit. Just like the cattle branding process.
Changes are occuring. Today, if you talked to me the way I sometimes talk to myself, one of us would have to leave. I am on the worthiness journey. The damaged child inside is realizing that she is valuable and deserves better than maltreatment.
There is a mixture of wounded pride and indignation that kicks up a fuss when something or someone insults me. How dare you. How dare it. I don't accept this. Do better by me or else!
Then when I am blessed by an event or kindness of another I am in a more difficult place minus the anger, still struggling to accept. It is hard to receive goodness. I want to. I might be worth it. I AM.
At fourty almost three years old, self esteem is overdue and one of my multiple battles. No one can perform this in my stead or hand me something to assauge the lack of positive self image. It has to be sourced from deep within myself, where the scars are.
I am worth rest when I am tired and friendship when I am lonely. I deserve respect and I will walk away from anything else. Self esteem is still such an unfamiliar concept that I ask myself what someone would do or say if they really cared deeply about me? And then I try and emulate their kindness. A sort of personal "W.W.J.D?"
A Moodscope member.
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