Whilst being in lockdown I’ve found a stability free from external ups and downs. Every day I do my yoga, I go for a walk or run, I eat healthy food, I don’t drink, I’m not going into work, seeing fewer friends, and keeping social media limited... so everything should be peachy. And generally, global pandemic aside and missing relatives it has been.
But a week ago or so I began to feel really irritable, hostile, argumentative and just unhappy with myself. I recognised this of course, and when I thought back to the Moodscope cards which I use religiously when I’m low, I remembered some of these were part of the test.
The feelings made me uneasy and I lashed out a bit, I could feel that my mind was overactive and if I engaged in conversation with anyone then I would irritate myself and I was irritating my family. I was annoyed that I became so unbalanced when I seem to be keeping it all together so well.
It was a good lesson too, a lesson that I’m not in total control of my brain but that I can manage, and use all those tools that I’ve been working so hard on such as breathing, feeling in the moment observing my emotions then letting them pass.
One of the things that bothered me though, and I don’t know how many of you out there find this; was that I started to suspect that my mental health has been misdiagnosed, maybe I have bipolar and that’s why my mind goes into the racing phases, maybe I have OCD and that’s why these intrusive thoughts come in and won’t let go, maybe I have PTSD from childhood trauma... so I read about them and find all the evidence I can to support my theories, because you can always find what you want on the internet.
Now that I’ve come out of the other side of this, I’m pleased with the way I responded, I had the time at the moment and I used it. I have a major depressive disorder and my mind isn’t always going to stay steady bobbing on the waves, there will be times when it becomes engulfed in storms.
A Moodscope member.