Christmas is a tough time for me, I have no family, the phrase is 'adult orphan'; no children of my own, no parents, no siblings, no cousins, aunts, uncles, apart from very distant ones in Australia. So I've particularly loathed Christmas for many years (not that I was a big fan before my parents died).
This year I thought I was going to love it a little more, I'd met a man and he had two young children, so we were planning a festive day all together. I'd had my head and heart turned by him and this odd future, one that I'd never anticipated... I mean I'm 53, when would I have ever considered having two 'stepkids' under the age of 7! But I'd come to love the idea, maybe wanting my loneliness to end and the bah humbug hatred of the the day to abate finally.
I'd been single by choice for a while, but it was so lovely to find someone to love and connect with. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be, we couldn't make it work and a month ago we split up, leaving me grieving the end of a relationship and missing a future that I never thought I could have.
So the tears of depression start to creep again and I keep batting them back, doing my Moodscope test and trying to stay positive. But the relentless obsession with a sparkly christmas makes me feel pain every day and I just want it over as fast as humanely possible. I'm lucky that I have a great bunch of friends that have scooped me up and added an extra chair to the already groaning table of family and friends. So I'm incredibly grateful, so grateful to have good friends who can see my pain, help me to dust down my tears and cheer me up.
I am acutely aware of the loneliness of this time of year, so hopefully there will be many empty chairs filled, as good people open their hearts and homes to people like me.
A Moodscope member.