My Life in Your Hands

1 Nov 2019

Could you make a better life of my life? I've often wondered how, in different hands, my life might be. Of course I can never know, and neither can you... but would you feel lucky... or short-changed? Would you think you had been hard done by or had a great time? Could you look at me in the mirror and say well done. I don't find that particularly easy to do – in fact it's near impossible.

I could give you a description of me and a bit about my life. Tall-ish, 5 foot 6 and a half (the half is important)... long-ish blonde hair, slim-ish (used to be a 10, now I am a very fat 10 i.e. a 12 – laughingly which I see as a complete failure on my part), young-ish 50 something, with a blossoming very fulfilling self-employment, another half who adores me but also takes the mick, a stepdaughter who seems to really like me, more than a handful of friends and special people that care for me, a crazy home in the Highlands which all our visitors find easy to relax in, and a new dog that is totally gorgeous.

On the surface, I seem like I am successful. But... I am also an orphan (I really miss my parents and particularly hate what would have been my mum's birthday which is also near Christmas, another time I find very difficult for what reason I do not know why), I am a depression survivor, a body dysmorphic since the age of 12 (and people who see me and know me find this very very difficult to understand which makes it all the more bloody isolating), I compare myself CONSTANTLY to others and feel I fall short in most respects.

I'm desperate to change aspects of myself but I also cannot be bothered, which frustrates the hell out of me – I am a Pisces... perhaps that explains it! But don't feel sorry for me. I know I'm an empath, but I'm also blunt, I am a mass of contradictions, I do think I am slightly on some kind of spectrum and I am a complicated person, but in some respects I'm also straightforward. I also giggle uncontrollably and cry occasionally, I find simple things beautiful but sometimes crave for a more glamorous life... yet I know deep down I'm an old hippy at heart.

I spent so long in my life trying to get everyone to like me and now I really don't give a f*ck. Even though I have low self-esteem, I think people that dislike me just don't get me and are missing something. However, I do think that I often would love to say to someone... here you go... make something of my life, make it better, make me happier, make me successful. Isn't it strange? Have you ever felt like this? I'm sure I'm not alone but I'd like to know your thoughts...


A Moodscope member.

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